I hope you feel loved. I hope you feel valued. I hope that one day you will know I really tried to be the mother that you needed me be.
I rely on my instinct. Every choice is not the best, but it's the only way I know how to mother. You and your siblings are very different with very different challenges. For me, your temper and stubbornness is challenging. I actually thought your older siblings had these traits until you proved me wrong.
The ladies at Target accused me of ignoring you. And maybe my disposition appeared that way, but you were on the forefront of my mind. I was doing what I could to remain calm while you loudly let the entire store know your hatred for the cart. Before we entered the store I knew you would be mad. I knew we would disturb other customers, but this trip to Target was essential not recreational like it often is. I was not engaging because you were safe, and I wanted to be loving once you were okay with sitting in the cart rather than becoming short fused with you, Amelia, and Owen. I didn't know what else to do (and the ladies offered nothing but their disapproval on my choice). Carrying you or letting you run while trying to get some groceries just weren't an option. And unfortunately, your dad isn't here for me have shopped this evening once he was home from work. Please know I was not ignoring you...I really felt like I had no other choice but to let you cry while I tried to get through the store quickly.
But Dear, I loath that scream. Sometimes you do it at bedtime. I don't like crying it out as much as you...probably more. Even with articles and advice from other mothers I have found nothing that works for us. You know what you want, whether it's not sitting in a cart or not going to bed. It makes me angry and sad simultaneously. I'm angry because you don't seem to understand what I need from you. And mostly sad because I feel like I am failing you terribly.
Daily, I question my parenting choices. My questions for you lately are: Did you stop nursing too soon? Should I have let you co-sleep longer? Should I have done neither of those things that seemed so natural to me? Is this tantrum going to taint our relationship in the future?
Your scream...is blood curdling when you are mad. And the customers at Target got it first hand. You know what you want. That's wonderful! I hope I can foster that, but also teach you that you can't have it all...or at the very least, it things happen on God's time not ours.
Your stubbornness...often coincides with the blood curdling scream and leaves you angry for a long time, because I can't always give in. I hope I can foster this trait so you can easily see what battles need to be fought and you will stand your ground when it matters (standing my ground is not something I do well and many things really do matter).
But for me, it's a guessing game sometimes. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time...and never claimed to know. I take life as it comes, and that includes parenting. I want you and your siblings to know that I love everything about each of you dearly...including your challenges. And I will continue to do what I can to make sure you know you are valued and loved.